Thursday, May 3, 2012

Just Breathe....

May 3rd, 2012.  It's been just over 7 months.  I think I'm finally starting to breathe again.  

I'm not healing. I don't think I'll ever heal.  It's not a scratch on a knee....no band-aid will help.  It's a scar on my heart that will always be there.  Sometimes it will be less visible than others, sometimes it will bring back vivid memories.  But it's a good scar.  A scar of good times and bad times, laughter, tears, music, stupid movie quotes, 3 am television, long talks in the garage and softball.  It's a scar that I will carry with me always; some will know, others never will.  

I miss Dan so deeply, yet amidst the still often teary nights, I think I'm starting to breathe again.  I'm functioning just a little bit more every day.  Finding things to laugh at.  Enjoying my girls.  Venturing out with people again.  Everyone has their own healing process.  Sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldn't be smiling, or laughing, or functioning as well as I am, but my girls need their mother.  A friend of mine told me not to feel bad.  I still have to function and be a parent, an employee, a friend.  She's right.  I still have things to do, to tend to.  My life didn't end.  My heart shattered and might not recover, but I'm still alive and I have people that depend on me.  

 So, Amy, cry at night if you feel like it.  Cry every night if it makes you feel better.  But when you get up in the morning, put on your happy face, take care of your beautiful girls and battle the day.  You are strong and independent.  You have wonderful friends and family. 

You got this.


Monday, November 28, 2011

Dan & Amy

Hello.  My name is Amy Rebecca Gilliam.  I have two beautiful girls, Jordan (16) and Mackenzie (14).  I live in a small town just outside of the big metropolis of Wichita, KS.  I have a story I want to share.

I met my husband Dan at P.B. Hoidale Co., Inc. April 24th, 2003.  It was my first day on the job.  I was hired to work in the corporate office as a purchasing assistant.  Across the street from the corporate office is our parts and service building.  One of the ladies I work with, Brenda, took me around that morning to meet everyone I would be working with.  That was the morning I met my husband.  From the moment I met him, I knew, somehow, we would be together.  Six months later, October 8th, we had our first date.  Nothing fancy.  I cooked spaghetti and made a cheesecake, because frankly, at the time, I didn't have money for a whole lot more than that.  Unbeknownst to me, those were his two favorite foods.  Score!  Almost three years, two rentals, several pets and two owned homes later, we committed our lives to each other on June 24, 2006.

Dan & I had very little in common.  From day one, we struggled with that.  He would always say that love was never the problem, just everything else.  But we managed.  We both compromised as much as we could.  Through the years, he struggled terribly with depression and anxiety.  I was constantly trying to help, but nothing was working.  He started seeing a therapist which was really doing some good.

On September 22th, 2011, Dan went to his parents house, about 45 miles away.  He wanted to go hang out with his mom and talk to her.  They were definitely two peas in a pod.  They had the best mother/son relationship anyone could ask for.  They had dinner, watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy, talked about organ donation, and then he text me and said he was going to stay the night there.  His therapist was closer to his parents house than ours, plus it was getting late.  At 11:05pm that night, I text him goodnight, I loved him and I hoped he slept well.  He text back telling me loved me too.  He must have not been able to sleep that night, because at 2:44am, he text me "Goodnight baby <3 "   

That would be the last conversation between the two of us.  At 4:00am that morning, I got a phone call from his mom.  Dan's dad got up to get a drink of water and saw the garage light on.  He went to shut it off and found Dan lying at the bottom of the stairs.

The stairs are right inside the door coming into the kitchen from the garage.  We can only assume he stepped out to the garage for a cigarette, and fell coming back inside.  Dan was rushed to the hospital and the wonderful staff there did everything they could.  He never regained consciousness.  The ct scan showed irreparable damage to his brain and brain stem.

Doctors pronounced Dan's passing, September 25, 2011,Sunday morning, 2:02am.  A part of me went with him.

Dan was my love.  As much as we struggled to stay together, to overcome our problems, we fought even harder to make it happen.  As days go by, I really try to understand why God needed him more than I did....than I do.  I believe that God has a plan for each and every one of us.  Sometimes He needs us early, sometimes, He can wait.  I just wish this would have been one of those times when He could've waited.